Happiness is something that has always seemed fleeting. It's easy in the moments with friends or when I'm doing an activity, but in general life it's been distant. Avoiding to be caught and held down. I've lived a life trying to chase it down. Seeking what made me happy, instead taking a hit and having to chase again, while I suffocate under misery and apathy.
Now, I've struggled with bouts of, what I would call, depression. Struggling to simply get out of bed. No energy to even face myself. Nothing to hold on to except the emptiness within. Sitting in it. Wallowing in it.
Now the question I ask myself, is this due to actual struggles with depression, or do I just keep doing things that lead me into a state of depression? Are my decisions and actions the cause? Or is there something deeper? Is it things from my past that I've been carrying? Refusing to let them go. Refusing to work through them. And in turn, they have reached my blind spot. I don't know...
I know that there are things that I need to do to help me not fall into that pit. And it's a struggle... One slip up and I'm on a downward trajectory. Needing to have to catch myself before I spiral. Reaching out to friends for help. I'm truly thankful for them. But I still feel like I'm a burden that needs to repay their love and kindness. Which I know is another lie I've come to believe.
Is it my patterns of thinking that have led to this pit being dug? The negative self-talk. The self-loathing, masking it with a false humility. Oh how I've accepted this for myself. That I deserve to tear myself down for the things I've done. For the people I've hurt. For the decisions I've made. For the way I've used them. I deserve hell itself...
So why won't You give it to me? Why do I keep finding You there? Holding Your hand out. Working in my heart and life. Bringing such beautiful people into my life. Why won't You just cast me aside? I am nothing. I am a failure. A waste.
These are the words that rattle around in my mind. It's only by the grace of God that these lies can be overcome. It's only by seeking after Him that I have any hope of change in my ways of thinking and life. So I choose to engage deeper in relationship with Him. I choose to choose Him, even when life is doing it's best to dissuade me. By His grace I'm alive and here to tell of His goodness.
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